I know, it's been awhile. Way too long.
I was here more when I was sick and in that space of recovery then I have been the last 9 months. I'm sorry.
The Universe has a way of reminding us, that as much as we want to control things - that's just not the way it happens.
I was so sick. For so long. It's a long way back from the conversation with death. You all stood by me. Gave me encouragement and support. Got me through the toughest times I've ever known. Pain and darkness was lifted by the light you sent me.
Being almost dead and needing the surgeries, the ostomy, the drugs... was the ultimate lesson in letting go of control. And I was ok with that. I gave into what The Universe needed me to understand. That we can plan for a future, but in seconds it can all disappear. That moments are precious., and tomorrow is not guaranteed. Each day is a new chance to learn something, to make a difference for someone, to be grateful.
And then, after 3 years of pain and tears, it was over. I got the magic words. My cancer didn't metastasize. My Crohn's was in remission. Now it's time to reclaim life - the dreams I'd had to get me through the dark days were ready to actualize. I could feel my fingers taking control of my life.. it felt so good!
The Universe had one more lesson.
That I was strong enough to do this alone. With the love and support of my friends, family and community - you. But, without a spouse.
I felt the rug slip out from under me once more.
I'm not Angry.
Anger just boomerangs. It tears down things in it's path, only to come back around and do it again.
I'm still sad about dreams and plans that were abandoned. I'm eternally grateful for the care and support, and not being left alone when I couldn't take care of myself. I treasure the laughs and good times we shared. But what was, is no more.
So, I had to hide.
I had to go into a cocoon and tend to my pain.
This was different than the pain of being sick.
Once again I felt broken - shattered. I was depressed.
It took a few insightful new friends (as well as a couple important old ones) AND an AMAZING THERAPIST to help shake me out of the vortex. I needed some medication to help soften the tension on my rubber band of life to keep it from snapping out from under me.
It took these 9 months to find that person I was, and perhaps who I am becoming.
I needed to hide under blankets. To cry, journal, meditate, break shit, cry some more and reach into the deepest part of my spirit to find... myself.
It took going to New Zealand (trip recap coming next week) to find that some of the light wasn't reaching the corners of my soul... and to shake out the dust and open the blinds to let it all in.
It took seeing all of my wonderful students and friends and colleagues at PLYAway to remind me of all the things I did, and will do again. To reconnect me with my creative spirit.
Here I am, again.
I am becoming, myself.
All that is meant to be, will be.
In the time it is meant to be.
It's about trusting the process.
Knowing the universe will always have your back.
Keeping your eyes and heart open for the lessons along the way, and being grateful for the people that share them with you.